Thursday, 4 July 2013

Rock Groups 2013

Blaze ArubaI have a particular talent for naming rock groups. I can't explain it. It's nothing I studied for or earned in any way. It's just in me. I also can't profit from it, because there's no such thing as a Rock Group Name Consultant. But I keep a list of the best ones that occur to me. Proof of their quality is that I'll often Google one after a few months or years, and someone has taken it. I don't insist they pay me for jumping my trademark, but let the record show that I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST! Because I totally did.

Anyway, here's a list of my best œuvres to date. A few include serving suggestions, as to what sort of group might best benefit. You'll note as well that some are already marked "taken"; by the time you read this, a few more may have been claimed as well.


Iceweasel (Norwegian Cookie Monster metal group; since taken by a Web browser [?!?] )

The Staff Infection (group made up of adult employees at a given high school)


Arkwelder (Christian metal)

ə (pronounced "schwa")

Röktöpüss (teeny-bopper metal)

Hollow Dogs

Tragically Delicious


Wahala (since taken)


SkinnyPig (emphasis on the first word, like "guinea pig")

Wrench (industrial metal)

Least Heat Moon (folk rock or country rock)

2Can (boy band duo)

Moon Beaver

Destructive Duck

Lumpy Lemon (Phish-like jam band)

8-Trak (old school rap)

Quemarropa (Latin roots rock)

The Kennewick Men

Steelhead (North Coast metal band)

Cavity Search (punk band)


Full Metal Handkerchief

Giraffes Are Delicious (New Wave [which is probably Historical Wave by now] )

Iron Dachshünd (metal parody)

Hence the Problem

The Oil Slick Penguins

Aquatic Sloth (electronica)

The Lost Cosmonauts

Red Franz and the Bog People

Small Metal Stonehenge

New Pence (Mersey Renaissance group)

Uffington Horse (since taken)

Eclectic Eel (as well)

The Underground Tree House (ditto)

Kensington Stone (and again [this would also a great name for a James Bond-style spy] .)

Chewy Louie

The Space Monkey Mafia

Believable Pie

Raw As Recoil

The Screaming Mimis (grrl group)

College Town

Inox (rap group)

Rebar (alt country; front man: Red Diesel)

RSJ (since taken)

I-Beam (metal group)

The Picts

Waterhorse (Scottish folk rock)

Salmonella (Goth girl group)


Hate Cave

Whimsical Physics (smooth jazz)

Onerous O (rapper)


Rolodex (small, hot swing ensemble)

The Chocolate Skulls

The Satanic Tribbles

If you have a group and you want one of these, be my guest. ("Zero Fee, No Rights Reserved".) Don't see anything you like? I got others. Contact me directly for a custom product, at a mere 15% surcharge. Either way, when someone asks you where you got your name, you can say you were so baptised by a Zen hermit monk. Tell me that isn't an awesome hook.

(Photo courtesy of Brooke Novak and Wikimedia Commons.)
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