So it's July again, when Internet readership drops off sharply and strange things happen on this blog while no-one's looking. Arguably the strangest is the annual Offering of Rock Groups Yearning to Be, that yearly list of potential group names posted for the benefit of literally anyone who wants one. (Full details here.)
Included in the deal is permission to reveal to anyone who enquires that your group's name was bestowed by a Zen hermit monk. And that all by itself is worth the price of admission. (Which is zero. Don't ask; it's a Zen thing.)
So once more into the breach. Extra credit to anyone who catches the literary, historical, scientific, and pop culture references that follow. In Google veritas.
Rock Groups 2025
The Window
Holgar
Tsunami Turtle
Der Pfeilstorch
Concrete Animals of Mexico
Einsatz
Exidor
Fala Does Mind
Hyōgaiji (may I suggest that you also take 丂 as your logo)
Welcome, honoured sangha, to your annual festival of potential rock group names here on the Ring. This makes an eleventh year of this odd and inexplicable July ritual, which is offered in the cause of the entertainment of all sentient beings.
Those needing reminder will find an explanation, such as it is, of this phenomenon here, as it first appeared away back in 2013.
As for rules and regulations, I suspect the 2021 post stated them most clearly.
Remember that any suggested genres are just that; there is no obligation of any kind, moral or financial, associated with this list, in whole or in part. You're a group as yet unnamed, you grab anything you like, with no apologies.
Let's crack on, shall we?
Rock Groups 2024
Roobar (Australian alt-country)
The Riot Dogs
Synesthesia (acid rock jam band)
Visible Filth (seems like it's gotta be punk, but hey, why not a boy band?)
The Drop Bears
Albino Platypus
Palindrome
Head Cannon
None More Black (Spinal tap reference)
Farmer John and the Weeds of Concern
The Sea Lions
No Thru Traffic
Demogorgon (metal)
Prometheus (hair band)
Bedfellow
House Hippo (Canadian twee pop)
Fingerstop
Matthew
Drywall
Maßkrug (metal band too sophisticated for an umlaut)
Ziggy Says
Monitor (the lizard, not the teacher's pet or computer screen)
And here we are again, with another Rock Group roll. Those joining us in progress can get filled in here; note as well the rules, such as they are.
For the rest, let us simply observe that 2023 marks the tenth July I've dropped this bomb.
Also, please note that there is now a group called Enumclaw. I'm not saying they got their name from Rock Groups 2018 – timing seems a little tight – but see Rock Groups 2018. Savour also the Washington locations in this video.
July has ambushed us again, and you know what that means: another whack of rock groups.
As I've explained in the past, July is that month when readership plummets, Zen monasteries close for the summer, and I run about the house naked… figuratively, at least. Which is to say, I vary from the more serious business of this blog and indulge a silly whim or two.
Ah, July. That glorious month when northern Zen loosens up and Rusty Ring vacates from seriousness.
Seriously. I look forward to this.
And each year our flagship foolery is the annual Rock Group Survey, in which I gather up all of the group names that the gods have revealed to me since my last Cortex dump.
The rules have not changed. They are:
» That all names here-under are available to any taker. I hereby repudiate all ownership, and offer them freely to anybody who wants one or more for any reason.
» That such takers must however verify via thorough search of the Information Superhighway that in fact no existing group currently fights under the desired name, as I have not already done so. (notresponsible
fordukkhaduetopreviousownershipofnamesorconceptswriterisnotanintellectualpropertylawyernoranintellectualnorpropertynoralawyeralwaystakeeverythingyoureadonlineoranywhereelsewithacaskofsaltyourenlightenmentisyourresponsibilitynotliableforkarmicconsequencesresultingfromassumingIwaswiserthanyouareseriouslyareyoublindaswellasstupid?)
» That any group assuming one of my identities is entitled to claim they were personally bestowed same by a Zen hermit monk, who will for his part back up any further legend concocted in connexion with the aforementioned claim.
As ever, where entries include parenthetical commentary on possible genres, that's just me talkin'. You want it, you take it. No questions asked, no takings tasked.
So hey, summer's a-wastin'! Dive in, dude!
Rock Groups 2021
Caman (Scottish rock)
Glastonbury Thorn (British folkrock)
Hollowstate
Serpent Zed
Bangjang
Asparagus
The Sea Monkeys
Grate
Runnin' Jump
&c.
Telstar
Pork
Overkill
Bitten Kitten
Wombat
Headwind
Ctrl-Z
Airlock
The Big Happy
The Murder Hornets (a bit shamed I didn't come up with this before there was an actual thing called that)
Mission Creep
Peña Ajena
Drudge
Электросталь
Bad Bread
Mother
Halftrack
Catshark
Wally Cleaver and the Dam-Rats
Ronin
Gelatinous Mass (in Gothic lettering with Catholic imagery)
Uploaf
Hillary
Gary Seven and the Timewarp
Killswitch
Spork
Monongahela
Egress Window
The Surfin' TERFs (grrrl group)
The Sandpapers (punk take on the Sandpipers)
Konïgstraat
Rocksalt
The Cul de Sac Kids
Rory Chesterfield and the Lowboys
(Photo courtesy of Bekir Dönmez and Unsplash.com.)
God help us, here we are again. There but for the grace, &c. And if ever we needed rock groups – as many rock groups as possible - this Periodic Year of Spontaneous Karmic Adjustment is it.
And so, in continuing public service to my suffering species, I offer yet again, with gratitude and unbowed defiance, the list of pre-born groups still waiting in the bardo as of this date.
With respect, please liberate them.
The rules again, for those distracted:
• All proposed names are available to any taker. I hereby repudiate all ownership, overt or implied, of any of them, nor is any trademark, copyright, or other legal superstition attached.
• However, do recall that nefarious others sometimes steal my ideas without informing me, often – and this is particularly low - before I've even had a chance to think them up myself. So if you find something you like, be sure to Google the crap out of it to verify it isn't already somebody else.
• Now how much would you pay? Don't answer yet, because you also get the added privilege of telling reporters that your group name was bestowed by a Zen hermit monk. That alone oughta get you press.
For the rest, names that suggested genres when they occurred to me are so identified in the list below, but you aren't bound to respect that. If you fancy an entry, but sing another song, just smash and grab.
Therefore, look smart, demons that bedevil us. For here comes…
Rock Groups 2020
Kino Neutrino
William's Axe
Black Like Him
Raging Atoll
The Kill Count Kiddies
Kiss Mary Kill
The Xiphoid Process
Third Bird
Ouroboros
Whipsnake
2020
Mainframe
Bob War and the Post Pounders (alt country)
Hammerblossom
Energetic X
Häzmät
Ghillie Dhu
2Ys
Juggler
Wildebeest
Logical Lizard
Spindletop (Southern country rock)
Sporadic E
Headbone
Earthstar
Leatherhead
The Mongrels
Satanic Panic
Aero-Dynamic
Rinderpest
Tubafor
Dire Wolf
Dachschünd
C. Klamp
Rubber Feat
Isometric
The Practice Babies
Numb Chuck
Anorak
Buffalo Jump
Hat Trick
Экраноплан
Bang
OEM
C-Horse-7
(Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com and a generous photographer.)
I am of the nature to grow old; there is no way to escape growing old.
I am of the nature to have ill health; there is no way to escape having ill health.
I am of the nature to die; there is no way to escape death.
All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
My deeds are my closest companions. I am the beneficiary of my deeds. My deeds are the ground on which I stand.
(One of several "recollection" formulas used in Buddhist meditation to promote mindfulness and bust delusion. And the one that most sounds like a rock group.)
It's July, aka the Rock Moon here at the Ring, in which I share with the world my preternatural gift for naming rock groups.
Even rock groups that don't exist.
Even rock groups that should exist. So get on that, OK?
The rules remain constant:
1. All names inscribed here are available to anybody who wants one, free of any charge or obligation. You like it, you take it.
2. I can't guarantee somebody hasn't committed psychic plagiary by already naming their group one of these, so Google thoroughly before adopting one.
3. Any genre suggestions are gratuitous. If you think Les Sœurs Hospitalières would be a great name for your gritty alt-country band… have at it, pardner.
4. All I ask is that if in future someone asks you where you got that awesome name, tell them it was conferred upon you by a Zen hermit monk. Because that's a fantastic story.
And so, to those of you who are about to rock, I give you:
Rock Groups 2019
Les Ignares
The Wogs of Door (like last year's Dogs of War, but… not)
The Pie is Gone
Pygar
Les Sœurs Hospitalières (all-female medieval folk rock group)
Albatross
Grindhouse
Hammerstadt
Jessica's Bad Idea (grrrl punk)
Croatoan
OpCit
Wight
180
Puppyuppers
Stream of Conscience
Dino Arduino
Standup Tragedy
Splenetic
Bikini Chain
Drop D
Spew (gotta be metal)
Lolo Pass (country, as above)
Humphrey Dumfries and The Egg
Toxic Mail
UVB-76
The Latchkey Kids
The Knights of Stairwell
The Recipe
The Massage
Hot Mess
Cherry Red
Восток
The Synoptic Gospels and John
Заманиха
Pepper's Ghost
Punk Muppet
Icehammer
Pious Ponce
Pilot Error
Xylophobe
Angelfish
Gooseberry Jam (upbeat country rock)
Greek Fire
Cabulus
Devil's Club
(Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com and a generous photographer.)
Well, it's somehow July again, which means it's time to invert the year's box of rock groups.
As I explain each July, my unearned facility for naming rock groups has kept me hoarding same since I was a teenager. As I have no outlet for this superpower, I commend them to the world here.
The rules remain constant:
1. Anybody who wants one for their group is welcome to it. I claim no copyright, trademark, patent, or juju.
2. Be aware that sometimes my muse two-times me, so if you see something you like, vet it carefully to be sure someone hasn't already had the same idea.
3. The genre suggestions that follow some entries are my fancy alone. If a name implies a different sound to you, have at it.
4. All who assume these identities are entitled to tell interviewers they were named by a Zen hermit monk. Because that is the awesomest of rock 'n' roll backstories.
Harken therefore ye unto:
Rock Groups 2018
(A service mark of Rusty Ring® Zen hermit products. No rights reserved.)
Cobb
Logjam (Northwest country rock)
Ice Train
Elvet Velvis (courtesy of my brother Fletcher)
ASA (Canadian rock)
Blue Highways
Briar Blade
The Wadcutters
Собака
Enumclaw (that's EE-numb-claw)
Davy Jones and the MTC
Shovel
The Tank Tops
Betty Bell and the Dial-Tones
Große Straße
Danny Dillinger and the Usual Suspects
360
Zoidberg
Gila Joe and the Rattlers (rockabilly)
Syzygy
The 9 Lords of Li Ping
Whitby Manor (emo)
Stream of Conscience
Ignore Amos
Boyle
CisOp
The Whangdoodles
Steambox
The Dogs of War
Big Bill and the Fruits of Labour
Pyewacket
The New Christy Wastrels
Boiled White
Gömböc
Blank Reg (as in the short form of Reginald)
Uppish With People
Endangered Eel
Drumnadrochit (Scottish folk rock)
Pygargue (French power rock)
African Genesis (soul)
Mastodon
Brother John and the Crimonious Clarks
The Cut-Outs (ask an old person for the reference)
404
Trump T. Trump and the Indelible Stains
Los Focos
Hive
Rubber Puppies
Led Sadr and The Brass Sponge
Ouch Mouse
(Photo of inuksuks at Peggy's Cove Lighthouse courtesy of Shawn M. Kent and Wikimedia Commons.)
Well, it's July again, and you know what that means: another random blast of speculative rock groups. As I first explained five years ago, I have a gift for naming musical ensembles – one that goes entirely uncapitalised-upon, given the utter lack of a venue for such genius.
Therefore I routinely dump the cream of the harvest on the world right here in the Seventh Month. The usual caveats apply:
1.) These names are entirely free for the taking, public domain, unregistered, homeless, motherless, and legally usurpable by anyone who wants them. Should you adopt one, you owe me no money, credit, thanks, or apologies. (But see Caveat #4, below.)
2.) That said, be aware that I can't guarantee others haven't already named themselves something similar, or even exactly the same thing. So do a thorough Google search before taking the plunge.
3.) Any suggestions I make about possible genres is just me talkin'. You can use these names for anything you want.
4.) Any group that takes one of these names is entitled to tell fans they were named by a Zen hermit monk. Because nobody else has such a cool origin story. (Not even Nirvana.)
So don't be a clown; bump that frown and scroll on down. Because The Wolfman comes just once year.
Rock Groups 2017
Don't Tell Dad
DDT (thrash metal)
Scythe (funeral doom)
The Akkadians
Linchpin
Miri and the Grups
Northern Soul (Yukon, NWT, or Nunavut group)
Polydactyl
The Denisovans
JPEG
Rock Bass (that's bass as in fish; country rock, maybe)
Kapz-Loc (political rap)
The Red Paint People
Real Meat
Narrow Sparrow
Jude
Tin Foil Cat
Willie Wiki and the Socks
Les Chats Libres de Marseille
The Banned Italians
Whooping for Christ (non-Christian group)
The Organic Cavalry
Coldcock
Rotifer
Architect of the Capital
Wankel (industrial punk)
Bullhead (Southern rock)
The Divorced Presidents
Maitrank
Archaeopterix
Gang of Four
Catfish Walker and the Invasive Species (warning: apparently there is, or was, a blues singer named Catfish Walker)
Love Spoon
Harrow (British folk rock)
Soldierfly
Handschüe
Truncheon
Snakehead
Contraband
Igneous Music (record company)
Iceberg Let Us
The Walking Onions
Buddha Bowl
Auntie Christ
2-Ply (quirky rap)
Plywood (alt country)
Ten Foot Pole
Home To Roost (political country rock)
Schöttgun
The Mangerdogs
Isosceles
Aardvaark
Critical Mass (in High Gothic script, with Catholic imagery on the album cover)
Rhoticity
PissRipper
Los Hongos Serios
Early X
Redeye
Blackstrap
(Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com and a generous photographer.)
July is happening again, and that means another rack of Rusty Ring rock groups is ready for delivery, in no particular order, with no implied obligation or warranty.
The rules remain the same as they are every year:
1. Anybody can use any of these band names; I claim no form of copyright or trademark on any of them.
2. That said, be aware that some of these bands may already exist. (And some names may be taken by non-music projects, such as the Internet browser that stole "Iceweasel" from me, probably before I even thought of it.)
3. If your group decides to take one of these names, all I ask is that when people ask you where you got it, you say, "A Zen hermit gave us this name." Because that's, like, an awesome origin story.
Where a genre suggests itself, I've included that meditation. Such proposals are for your consideration only; if your Cookie Monster metal band wants to take a name that sounded like a jazz ensemble to me, I stand corrected.
And now:
Rock Groups 2016
Baby Goes Boom
Opie's Maw (all female alt-country band)
Box o' Rocks
Kalakala (North Coast First Nations rock band)
Dormouse (psychedelic)
Metal Rain
Titanic Mushroom
Hitler GIF
The Tailfins (50s rock)
One Horse Town
The Trust
KOCMOHABT
Dr. Strangepork
The Zouaves
Dred Scott
Terd O'Hurtles
Blood Moon
Scred
Tinfoil Fedora
The Chocolate Teapot
Mudd's Women (all-male group)
Gastropod
Possible Soup
Henge
03 (pronounced Ought Three)
Tone Def (rap parody)
Blowtorch
Sloboda
Death Zipper (Canadian metal)
The Screaming Carrots
Hammer & Tongs (British folk rock)
Mysterious Meat
Sonar
Magnet School
Axolotl
The Love Dogs
Steel Penny
The Flashbulbs (warning: apparently there's already a musician called The Flashbulb)
Gizzard
SpicePeach
The Walking Stereotypes
Klo Zen Plā (old-school rapper)
Voynich
Origami Ethos
Quảng Đức's Heart (political rock)
Doctor Dregg and the Maniacal Plan
Haakon
Monkey Wrench
Kutter
Bucket of Dumb
(Photo of the original rock group courtesy of Sam Boulton Sr. and Wikimedia Commons.)
Time again for the yearly crop of Awesome Rock Groups Waiting To Happen. Same rules as ever:
Anybody who wants one of these can have it. There is no trademark, copyright, or grigri on any of them.
Remember that people often steal my names without telling me, or even waiting for me to think of them. So vet any you want carefully to make sure someone else isn't already that.
All clients of mine (which you become the moment you assume one of these identities) are entitled to tell everyone that they were named by a Zen hermit monk.
Where a name suggests a possible genre I've included that information as a serving suggestion.
So.
Rock Groups 2015
The Next of Kin
Antofagasta (Spanish rock)
The Blacks (political rap)
Y2K
Massive Transit
Under Where
Взвод
Notochord
Flags of the World
Referendum
Hoe
Fork
Gravesend (English folk rock)
Finisterre (Celtic rock)
Crabapple (American roots rock)
Umlaut (without one; irony-parsing metal group)
Goana (Oz group)
The HouseMartians
Polysynthetic (electronica)
The Caecilian Mafia
Man Ray
Left For Dead
Squeegee
Earthpig
Zoot Suit Riot (hot brass'n'sax swing)
Morticia (emo girl group)
Tucúquere (Andean roots rock)
Chompipe (Guatemalan roots rock)
Zopilote (Mexican roots rock)
Chew
The Axes of Evil
Urban Renewal (Motown revival group)
Kleever
Cheap Meet
Camouflage (alt country)
Whammy Bar
Too Wellington
Back 40 (rockabilly)
Jigsaw
The Virtual Uninhabitants
Bomb Vomit
Gregory Go Boom
Lothar and the Hill People
Tumour Spoon
No Jump Julie (Seattle sound)
Bluegill (country)
Watermelon (psychedelic)
Sundial
Titular Lizard
Biff Blake and the Parasitic WASPs
(Photo courtesy of Kathy Reed and Wikimedia Commons.)
It's July, the month when blog readership drops to single digits and (by sheer coïncidence) I upload another year's worth of rock group names. As I pointed out last year, I have a certain unearned talent for this, which I share with the world once a year. Any group that wants one can have it at no cost or obligation.
Be advised that people sometimes steal one without telling me (often even before I come up with it, which is really uncool) so run a search on any you like to make sure someone else isn't already using them.
Where a name suggests a possible genre I've included that information as a serving suggestion.
Enjoy.
Rock Group Names 2014
The Glyptodonts
Sawhorse
Lowest Common Dominator
Hammerstar
The Aquatic Ape Hypothesis
Bail of Hey
Wheelhaus
Hellhouse
Grout
Krankenwagen
Bad Banana
The Forbs
horizontal hold
Queequeg
Assault Ladder
The Jomon Pacific Cluster
Zenocide
Bring the Pig
Ciupaga
Prosthetic Soul
Death Crüller (nerdcore)
The Boom Seals
Lizard Love
Odd Mitzvah
Diaspora
Zebra Disease
Cartoonishly White
Dumb Banana
Bufflehead
Steel Bonnet (Scottish metal)
Long Pig (British folk punk)
Quee the Bean
Virtual Friends
Squid Rectum (punk)
Cubic Z (white trash rapper)
Chicken Tractor
Buy the Monkey
The Belligerent Blork
One Potato
The Jetty Cats
Title IX (punk-metal grrl group)
Bad Brazilian (see above)
Gary Goodenough and the Personal Best
The Hellsnakes
Dysleksik Ele
Bloodgroove (war metal)
Farquahar (Gaelic rock)
Squish
Jesus Johnson
Topinambour (Québécois folk rock)
Frinton Flash and the Offshore Pirates
Psychotic Elf
(Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons and a generous photographer.)
Like most Western Zenners, I come to this practice from a life of emotional trauma. More than once, I've stood at that point where you realise, after a long, desperate march, that the cause is lost; there's no going back, or even holding on. You can only let go, and let karma happen.
What comes next, if you practice attentively, is insight and growth, but that instant of acceptance, when you see it's all been delusion, is sacred. (If only in hindsight.)
ELO's Getting To The Point expresses that state perfectly. Founder Jeff Lynne's goal for his appropriately-named Electric Light Orchestra was to bring classical music sensibilities to pop – which is why the execution here is so reminiscent of Beethoven. His song texts, tolerated largely to carry the melody, were correspondingly fatuous for the most part. But this one reads like Japanese poetry, riding a dramatic score to devastating effect. Throw in a masterful flourish of wailing sax, so emblematic of the power balladeers (Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, Mark Knopfler, Gerry Rafferty, Don Henley) of the late 70s and 80s, and you've got ELO's most moving song.
Which is either ironic or prescient, given that, in eerie echo of another revolutionary British band, it was also the last single they ever released. Sadly, an untimely distribution glitch prevented most people from hearing it, leaving one of pop music's most seminal groups to slip unmemorialised over the horizon.
Until today. Give it a spin.
GETTING TO THE POINT
by Jeff Lynne
It's out of control
Out of control
And there's nothing I can do now
Out of control
Out of control
Spinning softly through the blue now
And look beyond these walls
As the meaning starts to dawn
It's getting to the point
Getting to the point
It's out of control
Nothing I can do
Like a fire that keeps on burning
And nobody knows
What I'm going through
And the thoughts just keep returning
And all you had to say
Was that you were gonna stay
It's getting to the point
Getting to the point
It's getting to the point
It's getting to the point
Where nobody can stop it now
It's getting to the point
Of no return
And all that I can do
Is stand and watch it now
Watch it burn, burn, burn
It's getting to the point
Where reasons are forgotten
It's getting to the point
Where no one knows
And all that I can do
Is say I'm sorry
But that's the way it goes
Getting to the point
Forever is a long way
Forever takes your breath away
I'd like to talk about it
Try to understand
It's getting to the point
Getting to the point
Getting to the point
It's getting to the point
Where nobody can stop it now
It's getting to the point
Of no return
And all that I can do
Is stand and watch it now
Watch it burn, burn, burn
It's getting to the point
Where reasons are forgotten
It's getting to the point
Where no one knows
And all that I can do
Is say I'm sorry
That's the way it goes
I have a particular talent for naming rock groups. I can't explain it. It's nothing I studied for or earned in any way. It's just in me. I also can't profit from it, because there's no such thing as a Rock Group Name Consultant. But I keep a list of the best ones that occur to me. Proof of their quality is that I'll often Google one after a few months or years, and someone has taken it. I don't insist they pay me for jumping my trademark, but let the record show that I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST! Because I totally did.
Anyway, here's a list of my best œuvres to date. A few include serving suggestions, as to what sort of group might best benefit. You'll note as well that some are already marked "taken"; by the time you read this, a few more may have been claimed as well.
GROUPS ALKI:
Iceweasel (Norwegian Cookie Monster metal group; since taken by a Web browser [?!?] )
The Staff Infection (group made up of adult employees at a given high school)
Porkfish
Arkwelder (Christian metal)
ə (pronounced "schwa")
Röktöpüss (teeny-bopper metal)
Hollow Dogs
Tragically Delicious
Torque
Wahala (since taken)
Backslash
SkinnyPig (emphasis on the first word, like "guinea pig")
Wrench (industrial metal)
Least Heat Moon (folk rock or country rock)
2Can (boy band duo)
Moon Beaver
Destructive Duck
Lumpy Lemon (Phish-like jam band)
8-Trak (old school rap)
Quemarropa (Latin roots rock)
The Kennewick Men
Steelhead (North Coast metal band)
Cavity Search (punk band)
Motherboard
Full Metal Handkerchief
Giraffes Are Delicious (New Wave [which is probably Historical Wave by now] )
Iron Dachshünd (metal parody)
Hence the Problem
The Oil Slick Penguins
Aquatic Sloth (electronica)
The Lost Cosmonauts
Red Franz and the Bog People
Small Metal Stonehenge
New Pence (Mersey Renaissance group)
Uffington Horse (since taken)
Eclectic Eel (as well)
The Underground Tree House (ditto)
Kensington Stone (and again [this would also a great name for a James Bond-style spy] .)
Chewy Louie
The Space Monkey Mafia
Believable Pie
Raw As Recoil
The Screaming Mimis (grrl group)
College Town
Inox (rap group)
Rebar (alt country; front man: Red Diesel)
RSJ (since taken)
I-Beam (metal group)
The Picts
Waterhorse (Scottish folk rock)
Salmonella (Goth girl group)
Lungfish
Hate Cave
Whimsical Physics (smooth jazz)
Onerous O (rapper)
Pipehorse
Rolodex (small, hot swing ensemble)
The Chocolate Skulls
The Satanic Tribbles
If you have a group and you want one of these, be my guest. ("Zero Fee, No Rights Reserved".) Don't see anything you like? I got others. Contact me directly for a custom product, at a mere 15% surcharge. Either way, when someone asks you where you got your name, you can say you were so baptised by a Zen hermit monk. Tell me that isn't an awesome hook.
(Photo courtesy of Brooke Novak and Wikimedia Commons.)
You can't beat the stick for longevity. (Actually, you can't beat a stick at all. Think about it; it's like biting your teeth, or seeing your eye.)
This is our first tool. Humans have been using it since before we were human. Even people without trees go somewhere else to get one. Picture an Inuit on the move. Guy has a stick, right?
To this day, the walking stick occupies a profound niche in our psychology. Some time ago I read a blog by a professional craftsman of walking sticks, which sadly I can't find to link to now. In it, he pointed out that an elderly person holding a walker or aluminium cane comes off as disabled, mentally and physically, while the same person with a natural wooden stick becomes an Elder, a curator of wisdom and judgement. He's right. Do the thought experiment yourself.
Amazing, eh?
Sanding is a
meditative process
It's true that wise old rustics are usually depicted this way in the media, but I'm going to go out on a limb (get it?) and suggest that this phenomenon is rooted in our genetic matrix. After hundreds of millennia, the Spiritual Stick of Authority runs deep in blood memory.
With apologies to the Freudians, I don't believe any of this is phallic. The thing simply made us, and, back when other animals had a competitive edge, even defined us. When was the last time you saw a lion, or a kangaroo, or even a chimpanzee, walk with a stick? (UPDATE! Turns out we ain't so cool after all. Read all about it here.) That's why the pursuit of a higher life, to this day, is signaled by taking one up.
Bigleaf maple
sands very nicely
My stick is on both orders. That is, it's a symbol of my hermit practice, and a working tool. It's a limb in every sense of the word, an extension of my body; I feel unbalanced when I'm without it. It used to be a bigleaf maple sapling, until I did some yard work at the zendo. As a wood it's light, strong, and takes a polish.
The hook on the end greatly extends the stick's usefulness. With it I pull down fruit, hang fudos, drag apart wads of stuff on the beach, and hang up the stick when at home or rest.
The blank was stripped and allowed to dry in a stable climate for several weeks, then trimmed and machine sanded with medium-grit sandpaper. Then it was hand-sanded with medium grit, and again with four successively finer grits.
To keep your monk stick strong
Eeeeeyou must whip it!
The ground end was whipped with tarred seine twine and coated with PVC cement to prevent splitting. (Update on this experiment here.)
Finally the whole thing was rubbed several times with trinity tar and hung near the woodstove for half a day between coats to cure. The ultimate polish was done with nothing but my hands, rubbing vigorously enough to raise heat, for about an hour total. (Though not all at once.) Naturally, my hands also continue to polish it with daily use.
I now have a renewable finish that raises the natural grain of the wood, pleasing to the hand, with a silky feel and deep, three-dimensional luster you can't beat with a... well, you just gotta admire.
Behold, I have mastered humanity's earliest technology!
I already had a stick,
so I made myself one.
Gassho!
This week's cereal box prize:
Terrific video by Russian Buddhist Boris Grebenshchikov and his band Аквариум (Aquarium). It's called Не могу оторвать глаз от тебя ("I can't even look away from you"), but in spite of the pedestrian boy-girl title, it's a love song of a different kind. One of my favourite vids of all time.
So it's July again, when Internet readership drops off sharply and strange things happen on this blog while no-one's looking. Arguably the strangest is the annual Offering of Rock Groups Yearning to Be, that yearly list of potential group names posted for the benefit of literally anyone who wants one. (Full details here.) 
